It’s funny, as I logged on to write this blog, I saw that a stranger had commented on one of my older posts. I started writing as a way to cope back in 2012, but quickly decided to improve the format of my posts in the hope that someone like me might find them and feel seen, or just a little bit less weird. So, having someone comment on a blog that highlights a very different stage in my life as I’m about to write this blog feels like an extra full-circle moment. Anyway, back to the actual topic, more existential thoughts later.

As I said, the past 72 hours have been crazy. I saw one of my favourite bands live, had a mental breakdown over a lanyard and started a new job. You read that right, I started a new job. Shall we start there and move backwards?

My new job

So, after waiting over two years, I was finally offered a position closer to home. It’s a 30-minute journey on two buses (a bit longer during school rush hour) rather than my 70+ minute tube journey with a possible 4 changes on the way home. I’m simply going from one part of North London to another rather than heading South into town and then back East. I’ve only done one day, which mostly involved shadowing and chatting with my new colleagues but it already feels like such a better fit. I’m in my neck of the woods.

For now, it’s only a three-month trial to make sure it’s the right fit for both parties. But I’ve got a good feeling about it. And since they’re technically ‘borrowing’ me, my contract hasn’t changed, so I’m still only working 28 hours a week, which is a great way to ease into what will hopefully become a full-time job.

I’ve not cracked open the Chinotto yet, as with this insane heatwave I’m struggling to keep my hydration up and consequently my blood pressure too. And I’m not going to lie, I’m curious to see if I do have a seizure tonight now that the initial stress of starting has passed. But fingers crossed, this new medication regimen prevents that from happening for a while.

The existential part

The crazy part of all of this happened last night. Growing up, my mum always told me that if you saw a dandelion flying by, it was someone in heaven coming to visit. Last night when I went to take my meds, I discovered that one had flown in through the Juliet Balcony door and settled on the kitchen table. I just want to emphasise that we’re on the first floor, so that would’ve taken a big gust of wind. That door faces the road my dad grew up on and the house my Nonno lived in until 6 months before his death. Where I now work is just down the road from the care home he died in. I knew instantly that he had come to wish me good luck.

All he ever wanted was for me to get a job. And as I stood there stark naked for the whole street to see, I nearly burst into tears. It’s silly, but after a stressful day, that plant sitting there on my pile of mess just made everything feel ok. And to throw another coincidence into the mix. I’m currently listening to a playlist of pick-me-up tunes on shuffle, and as I went to Google song lyrics to end this section, that exact song came on.

The day before

When I moved out three months ago, I had no intention of returning to my office in East London. I was in the process of filing for a work-from-home contract. So I left my bag by my old desk and my lanyard somewhere else. I don’t know where, it’s dissipated into thin air. On it was my ID badge and my keycard, both of which would have been really useful today; it’s not fun having to ask someone to let you in every time you need the loo.

But I think it’s the lanyard itself that I missed the most. It was my sunflower lanyard. A physical symbol for invisible disabilities in the UK. Sure, not everyone recognises it for what it is. But I suppose I saw it as a mask I could hide behind. A sign to let people know why I’m ‘weird’. A reassurance.

In the end, I didn’t need it. It was honestly one of the most welcoming environments I’ve been in. Admittedly, half the staff knowing my dad helped (don’t tell him). But I’d still like to know where it went.

The gig on Saturday night

Now this really does feel full circle. If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning, you’ll know this band without even realising it. I quoted them a lot in 2020. More so than I thought, to be honest. While going through my archive, I’ve found two blog posts that quote this band. This one and this one.

There’s just something about grown men shouting about depression to awesome guitars and drums that gets me right in the feels. And I truly owe a significant part of my soul to them, so I’m looking forward to wearing my new band tee on my non-working day tomorrow.

And as they said,

I finally learned to say, “I love myself”
Finally got out of my goddamn rut
And learned that when I truly need some help
Not to keep my fucking mouth so shut
Not everything should stay the same
It’s okay to have some change
If we don’t then we will never learn from any-fucking-thing
I learned to say “I love myself” today
I finally learned to love myself

Conclusion

So, as you can see, it’s been a busy and surprisingly emotional 72 hours. Tomorrow (today when you all read this), I’m going to clean my flat and watch some TV before heading back to work on Wednesday with a smile on my face. You know that blog I mentioned at the start, the one a stranger commented on. I re-read it before writing this and it’s honestly amazing, even just to see how far I’ve come in 4 years. Back then, being employable and datable were still dreams. Now I’m two+ years employed and celebrating 3 months living with a boyfriend.

So if you want to see what the next 4 years have in store for me, make sure you subscribe. All you need to do is fill out the form at the bottom of the page (on mobile, the form is off-screen to the side, something I plan on fixing in the near future). It merely means an automated email each time I upload a new post, nothing else. Plus, once I have more followers who don’t share a home with me, I may even start creating subscription-only content. So you really have nothing to lose. Oh, and if you want to respond, do so on the actual post (comments are also at the bottom of the page) rather than where you see it shared. It builds traffic, etc., and helps me out.