by | 5 Sep, 2020

Just some small thoughts

I’m currently working on rebranding and updating my site. As part of this process I decided to finally categorise all the blogs currently on here. Of course some of them are over a year old, so I read over them to establish just which category/ies they best fit into. It really is mad looking back and realising just how much has genuinely changed.

I mean this time last year I thought I was mentally in a good place. Then I collapsed into an abyss of depression before coming out of it and finally knowing what ‘good’ actually feels like. This time last year I thought my seizures were well controlled. Then I got VNS, fiddled with my meds and the device settings and realised what control really is.

Right now I am just so grateful to be as well as I am. I won’t deny I’ve been feeling wobbly these past few days. Anxious about an array of little issues and not quite sure how to categorise them. When I can’t sieve through my stress, I can’t over analyse the situation in order to fix the problem. But I have enough going on right now to distract myself just enough to keep on pushing forward.

As autumn blooms into its full, it’s close to one year since I had my VNS surgery. And although I’ll discuss that in greater detail nearer the time, that device really is at the core of everything that’s improved during this past year. Just last week I woke up with a bitten lip and sore limbs. I checked my phone to see whether my watch had picked up on anything. Sure enough my heart rate had spiked at about 8am. My dad later confirmed that about that time he’d seen me coccooned in my duvet. For me those small things, added together, were enough to confirm a potentially ‘major’ seizure had occurred and my little buzzer had successfully prevented it from escalating. This device is working!

Even if I am petrified of COVID, dating, living with excruciating pain and not getting a job, knowing I genuinely have control over my seizures is enough to give me that little spark of hope that I need to keep on going. And it is through this blog, and soon this site, that I intend to truly push forward.

I am scared that this sense of uncertainty and anxiety I’m feeling will continue to increase. But as the awesome pop punk band Free Throw said,

I might feel fixed, but I still need maintenance

I can feel new and still need repairs

When I feel like shit, and I feel complacent

Can I be sure that it was really fixed?

I will always have. mental health issues, I will always have seizures. But as long as I continue with my personal maintenance, i can survive. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am excited fr this coming year. I’m confident that good things are still to come, even if I do need to repair myself along the way.

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