At the start of this Summer I was the lowest I’ve been in four years, yet as Autumn makes itself fully known I’m in the best mental state I’ve been in probably for a decade. I don’t know what it is that has triggered this drastic change in the way I think and consequently feel, perhaps 24 is just a magic age, but for the first time in forever I am reasonably ok with being me.
I am by no means fully at peace with any aspect of who I am. The restrictions I face on a daily basis due to my multiple conditions still fill me with a bucket load of frustration and self-disdain. Yet I seem to have developed an ability to view everything with an overriding sense of relativity.
My life as whole may not be moving forward, I still have no stability whatsoever. My seizures are not controlled and I’m no closer to knowing when my surgery will take place. I’m still feeling excessively lonely with both my sisters now permanently away (at least semi-permanently anyway). And one year on from finishing my Master’s degree I have no job or further academic position in place. Yet despite consistently fearing how upset I would feel when I reached this time of year I’m ok with it all.
I have realised that despite not moving forward at the same pace as my peers, I am doing my best. I’m consistently working on my art and animation improving day-by-day, I’m developing relationships with new people and retaining the ones I already have, I am getting up each morning, drinking coffee and getting dressed. That last one is, in itself, an achievement.
I don’t know what I will face next, but I know everything could be much worse than it is. Perhaps simply accepting the negatives of life has made me realise just how many positives I have. The simple fact is, when I count all the struggles I face day-by-day and weigh them out in comparison to things I am doing, I’m thriving and in weird way I don’t think I’d want my life to be any different to the way it is.