That title feels a bit negative. But over this long weekend, I’ve been feeling a mix of emotions. You see, this isn’t any long weekend. It’s my last weekend at home. The last four days before I finally move out of my parents’ home. And as exciting as it is to be moving in with my boyfriend, it’s a lot to take in.

Last night, when I started writing this, I thought it was just the long list of things I still had to do that was overwhelming me. But after some thinking and a bit of hiding, I’ve realised that there’s more to it than that. So, let’s put all those thoughts and emotions into comprehensible sentences. And hopefully, that’ll help me work my way through this maze of feelings so I can reach a place where I can actually pack up my things and not just think about it.

The previous chapter

Last night, it hit me that I might have just washed my hair in my parents’ shower for the last time. That this is probably the last blog I’ll ever write at this desk. I realised I’ve only got a few nights left in my room, despite having slept in it for less than a year. It suddenly felt like everything I knew was changing and I couldn’t work out why that scared me so much.

The thing is, if you go back through this site, you’ll see that just 5 years ago, I was writing regular posts about clusters of seizures, unemployment and depression. The ability to live away from home was something I never thought I’d gain. I moved back upstairs because my parents could no longer hear my seizures in the middle of the night. At one point, my dad suggested putting cameras in my room. Independence is not a luxury I’ve ever had.

And moving out feels like the ultimate form of independence. It feels like a one-up on epilepsy. Like I’ve won somehow. But at the same time, I’m scared. My boyfriend has only dealt with seizures once before. And I suppose there’s that fear that when he fully takes on the responsibility of not just being my partner but also being my carer. That it’ll be too much for him. That he’ll realise that’s not what he signed up for. I know that’s unlikely but it’s still a possibility I have to be prepared for. And without him, I can’t live away from home. I guess I’m not used to accepting wins in life.

The next chapter

All that said, I cannot wait to see where the next few months take us. Yes, it’s all new and I’m maybe panicking a bit right now. But deep down, I know so much is going to simply fall into place once we’re settled.

I know we’re going to build our own routine, which’ll hopefully improve my sleep. We’re going to go to Slimming World together and look into doing Krav Maga, which’ll improve my fitness and general health. We’re going to work out what we like doing together and what we prefer to do alone.

We managed to get a great deal on our TV and broadband, which means we’ll have access to all sports channels. So football will probably play a major role in our lives. Though I can’t say I’ve got any interest in this year’s World Cup. But we’ve also both discussed wanting to explore Rugby, so maybe that’ll be our thing. The thing that nobody else we know cares about except us.

We’re both looking forward to cooking and exploring new recipes. I can’t wait to have a dedicated sewing area that I can disappear into whilst he watches his soaps. And of course, moving means buying furniture, which means I get to build it!

Turning the page

Yes, I am scared. I’m always scared of anything new because I know how quickly things can change. I’m always afraid that once I gain something good, I’m going to lose it. But I think this change will be permanent. We’ve already joked that I’ll probably have a seizure the night we move in and if he can do that, maybe he can cope with it long term after all. I have faith in him but more importantly, I have faith in us.

When we were in Sicily last September for his sister’s wedding, I bought two bottles of an Italian soda I love. It’s never as nice as I remember it being but it holds memories. I brought them home and put them at the back of my parents’ fridge, intending to save them for a special occasion. On Tuesday night, I’ll open one and drink it out of our new wine glasses.

So cheers. Here’s to finally moving out, finally being with someone who loves me enough to put up with all my bullshit and seizures. Here’s to new beginnings and remembering the past. I look forward to bringing you all along for the journey.

So if you haven’t already, go ahead and subscribe. All you need to do is fill out the form at the bottom of the page (on mobile the form is off-screen to the side, something I plan on fixing soon). It merely means an automated email each time I upload a new post, nothing else. And if you want to respond, do so on the actual post (comments are also at the bottom of the page) rather than where you see it shared. It builds traffic etc. and helps me out.