Over the past week or so I’ve written a lot of blogs in my head but none have been typed out or posted. They’ve all been too depressing or angry, too filled with uncontrolled emotions to format into an actual piece.

You see, describing the last few months as bumpy is a drastic understatement. I won’t go into details as all is summarised in my previous post and additional information is available on my old blog site. The rundown is, my mental and physical health have never both been this bad before, at the same time, in my entire life.

Over the years my neurologists have often disregarded my depression. At the start of this week for the first time ever I actually had a chat with my consultant about the way I’m currently feeling. I’ve been viewing my problems as a big mash-up of everything: epilepsy, autism, general life issues etc. But she reminded me, just as I essentially stated in my previous blog, that the one big thing that is making me feel incompetent and invaluable is my epilepsy. If I can get my seizures under control I can begin to move forward, rebuild my physical strength and commit to developing my career.

I’m currently on the waiting list to receive VNS surgery, I don’t know when it will happen and there’s only a 1 in 3 chance it’ll actually make a significant difference but that is something. A small light just beyond the horizon. For now I need to hold on to that hope even if it is unrealistically optimistic. Because it is this, teamed-up with frequent self-reminders of just how far I have come, that’ll keep me going.